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Author Topic: The Un-Official CoderZone Joke Thread  (Read 7573 times) Bookmark and Share
Flynn
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« on: Dec 04, 2010, 09:01:12 am »

Unless the admins say "no", I'm starting The Un-Official CoderZone Joke Thread. Smiley

Here are The Rules:

1) Jokes gotta be clean- nothing offensive or off-color.
2) Jokes don't have to be about programming.
3) Jokes ought to be funny (duh).

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Flynn
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 04, 2010, 09:06:56 am »

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris wished he could go on the airplane ride offered by a famous daredevil barnstormer.

Morris would say,"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane ."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"   

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane , I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Yes, but that airplane ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

The pilot over heard the couple, felt sorry for Morris, and got an idea. The pilot approached them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal- I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a single word, the ride will be free. But if you say one word, it'll be 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of crazy, fancy maneuvers -power dives, loop-de-loops, flying upside down- , but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still didn’t hear a thing.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "Geez, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't make a sound. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
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Cruise Elroy
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« Reply #2 on: Dec 05, 2010, 09:32:25 am »

Admiral William 'Bull' Halsey and General George Patton were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

Patton floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out Halsey, using an oar.

Catching his breath, Halsey puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," Patton said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
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JennyJenny
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« Reply #3 on: Dec 06, 2010, 08:05:36 am »

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is fascinated by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then asks how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

The guide replies, "Well, the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."
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wheels
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« Reply #4 on: Dec 08, 2010, 09:41:04 pm »

WickedGoodML (Wicked Good Markup Language)
Code:  
  <WickedGood>Stuff that's wicked good</WickedGood>
   <JustDoItIE>Tag to tell IE to just post the content properly</JustDoItIE>
   <JSFix>Tag that indicates the enclosed scripts should be executed even if they are full of errors</JSFix>
   <Fry>Used on 403 pages</Fry>
   <Random>Render the page randomly, retaining only enough structure to group related items</Random>
   <Shrink>Reduce the size of the enclosed text gradually, until it is but dots</Shrink>
   <Grow>Reverse of Shrink</Grow>
   <Surfer>Translate text to add the word 'Dude' at the beginning of every sentence</Surfer>
   <Preppy>Like OMG!!!  inserted throughout.  If HTML5, add audio, including squeaks</Preppy>
   <Fade>Opacity dwindles to zero, rendering the page blank</Fade>
   <Work>Detect boss viewing page, replace content with Google search results for company name</Work>
« Last Edit: Dec 08, 2010, 10:21:38 pm by wheels » Logged
Cruise Elroy
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« Reply #5 on: Dec 09, 2010, 12:11:53 pm »

Very funny "Privacy Policy":

At COMPANY _______ we value your privacy a great deal. Almost as much as we value the ability to take the data you give us and slice, dice, julienne, mash, puree and serve it to our business partners, which may include third-party advertising networks, data brokers, networks of affiliate sites, parent companies, subsidiaries, and other entities, none of which we’ll bother to list here because they can change from week to week and, besides, we know you’re not really paying attention.

We’ll also share all of this information with the government. We’re just suckers for guys with crew cuts carrying subpoenas.

Remember, when you visit our Web site, our Web site is also visiting you. And we’ve brought a dozen or more friends with us, depending on how many ad networks and third-party data services we use. We’re not going to tell which ones, though you could probably figure this out by carefully watching the different URLs that flash across the bottom of your browser as each page loads or when you mouse over various bits. It’s not like you’ve got better things to do.

Each of these sites may leave behind a little gift known as a cookie -- a text file filled with inscrutable gibberish that allows various computers around the globe to identify you, including your preferences, browser settings, which parts of the site you visited, which ads you clicked on, and whether you actually purchased something.

Those same cookies may let our advertising and data broker partners track you across every other site you visit, then dump all of your information into a huge database attached to a unique ID number, which they may sell ad infinitum without ever notifying you or asking for permission.

Also: We collect your IP address, which might change every time you log on but probably doesn’t. At the very least, your IP address tells us the name of your ISP and the city where you live; with a legal court order, it can also give us your name and billing address (see guys with crew cuts and subpoenas, above).

Besides your IP, we record some specifics about your operating system and browser. Amazingly, this information (known as your user agent string) can be enough to narrow you down to one of a few hundred people on the Webbernets, all by its lonesome. Isn’t technology wonderful?

The data we collect is strictly anonymous, unless you’ve been kind enough to give us your name, email address, or other identifying information. And even if you have been that kind, we promise we won’t sell that information to anyone else, unless of course our impossibly obtuse privacy policy says otherwise and/or we change our minds tomorrow.

We store this information an indefinite amount of time for reasons even we don’t fully understand. And when we do eventually get around to deleting it, you can bet it’s still kicking around on some network backup drives in somebody’s closet. So once we have it, there’s really no getting it back. Hell, we can’t even find our keys half the time -- how do you expect us to keep track of this stuff?

Not to worry, though, because we use the very bestest security measures to protect your data against hackers and identity thieves, though no one has actually ever bothered to verify this. You’ll pretty much just have to take our word for it.

So just to recap: Your information is extremely valuable to us. Our business model would totally collapse without it. No IPO, no stock options; all those 80-hour weeks and bupkis to show for it. So we’ll do our very best to use it in as many potentially profitable ways as we can conjure, over and over, while attempting to convince you there’s nothing to worry about.

(Hey, Did somebody hold a gun to your head and force you to visit this site? No, they did not. Did you run into a pay wall on the home page demanding your Visa number? No, you did not. You think we just give all this stuff away because we’re nice guys?  Bet you also think every roomful of manure has a pony buried inside.)

This privacy policy may change at any time. In fact, it’s changed three times since we first started typing this. Good luck figuring out how, because we’re sure as hell not going to tell you. But then, you probably stopped reading after paragraph three.
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Max
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« Reply #6 on: Jan 11, 2011, 01:43:18 pm »

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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